q u e e r l y * w r i t t e n

or i’m gonna lose him for good!!!

i know he has faults, but i gotta stop nagging. i gotta trust that when he is online chatting while i am at work, that he is doing just that- chatting.

i gotta trust that he is in fact telling the truth when he tells me that he won’t cheat on me again.

if not, we’re done. i am driving myself insane worrying. he says all i do is nag and bitch. no wonder we don’t have a sex life. no wonder we are bored with each other. no wonder a lot of the time we both feel like we are at the end of our ropes and have no clue what to do next.

i don’t know all the answers. i don’t know how to stop nagging, but i have to figure it out. i have to trust him, even when he won’t talk about his day, or i think he has secrets. i have to trust him anyway.

i said i’d never blindly do that again after being hurt in the past, and i can’t say i won’t worry, and i won’t ask questions, but as of right now, i am letting the past go.

he cheated many times before, and me asking him not to cheat now is not gonna stop him, i know that. he is the only one that can stay faithful to me. i know he loves me, and i have to believe him, and in him. and in us.

if not, it’s over, and i would die to know it was over.

i’ve not blogged here in forever, cuz i didn’t wanna talk about what i was feeling in regards to life, and to our relationship. believe it or not, even if i was hurting by something that happened with him, making him hurt also was the last thing i ever wanted to do. those days are over. i will blog here, and if he reads it, then he at least will know how i feel without him feeling like i am nagging at him.

we have almost nine years invested in this relationship. in spite of all the ups and downs, i still love him with all of my heart and can’t imagine my life without him and his daughter in it.

i have to find a way to make sure that never happens.

~ by RbT on November 11, 2009 12:20:59 PM.